buttershtick

Branching Out

2006-03-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

Contrary to rumor, the Stick does occasionally come down from his perch. He's more Lumholtz tree-kangaroo than Tarzan. Nonetheless, we learn from the Post's panda watch:

"He spends all his day in a tree," said Lisa Stevens, an assistant curator and the author of the well-read, twice-a-week Web reports on the cub's progress.

A Church of Stick neophyte became gravely concerned after reading this, asking "Do pandas live in trees? Is he stuck up there?"

Thankfully, two of our trusty operatives were on the case and sent back the following report:

Breaking News: The panda was not stuck after all. An eye witness account: "He climbed down from the tree -- it was a breath-taking experience, truly. He sort of caught himself with his arms and then shimmied down." This reporter picked a bad time for a pee break.

Super Big Grup

2006-03-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

It sounds like Stick's Mom has been spending too much time embracing awful New York Magazine cover stories:

"Mom Mei Xiang has gone from being super-protective of her baby to only casually observing any of his new activities. They play together, roughly, and she will give him a swat if he gets too rambunctious or tries to take her food. 'He's a play toy for her,' Stevens said."

She's also notorious for hogging the Ping Pong table at Cue Bar.

Stick in the Bush

2006-02-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

The Stick is unimpressed. "It's not like she's snow or anything." [NBC]

A Stick by Any Other Name

2006-02-15T11:25:00.000-08:00

As if the keepers at the National Zoo didn't have enough to deal with: apparently some particularly adament panda fans took offense to some of the nicknames bestowed on the Stick by the staff, including "little toad," "little monster," "wild man," and "rotten child." Today's blog entry is apologetic:

The nicknames we mentioned are endearing but descriptive remarks about a sometimes determined and stubborn little bear cub! We say them in humor only and not because we have any negative feelings for him.

Kinda worried about Stick fans who are that earnest. When we said we worship the little guy, we were joking... The last thing we need are panda riots.

P.S.: "Little toad"?

Don't Eat the Butter Snow

2006-02-14T05:51:00.000-08:00

"And if you wave your paws like this it makes an angel!"

We hope everyone out there had as good a time in the snow as the Stick and mom did.

(P.S.: Dirty, dirty pandas...)

Belated Birthday Greetings to the Stick!

2006-02-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

We're not sure how the folks at Gothamist knew that Butterstick turned seven months old recently, but they did pick up one hell of a cake, and they brought Jerry Orbach back from the grave to do it!

Aw, we love "Law and Order" too...

A New Stick in the Shtick Clique

2006-02-09T12:13:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's not Butter. Nonetheless, this little ball o' love can stick it to you just the same. Yes, we pine for you lil' porky. However, we have to agree with a local write-up of your birth:

"The new baby is certainly cute, though not as cuddly as some of the other babies born at the zoo."

"National Zoo Welcomes New Addition
Baby Porcupine Born At The Zoo"

Introducing the Butterstick Day Care Center

2006-02-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

Tired of paying the heating bill? The Free-Lance Star has a great remedy: just drop your kids off at the National Zoo. It beats daycare.

We like how they advise making the Stick your top priority on the zoo tour, but the way they put it is a little harsh: "Let's get Tai Shan out of the way first."

And then there's this nonsense, "Or you could just enjoy the zoo's other cute youngsters."

Please.

A "sturdy 4-year-old Asian elephant" is going to compete with the world's cutest fuzzball?

But this did catch our eye. After all, nobody should tend to their Stick tick on an empty stomach: "Children can also check out a giant climbable 'pizza' whose subtle message is to show how veggies are grown."

Pizza and panda? We don't want get to get our hopes up, but there may just be a benevolent god at work out there.

Coming Clean

2006-02-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

I feel like a deadbeat dad. No love for the Stick in ages - not even a child support check written on bamboo parchment. So, after all this neglect, I finally got ahold of one of those high-demand tickets to see the Stick in person, 9:30am sharp. But it only gets worse. I slept in. No Stick.

I'd say it's something akin to Charlie throwing out his golden ticket. But that's an insult to the Stick.

Now my dreams are filled with visions of his sad, plump face staring behind bars from which he will never be extricated. For what it's worth, I plan to spend the rest of the night washing away my sins with this collectable bottle of Stick antibacterial soap:

Islamopanism

2006-02-06T08:38:00.000-08:00

Dana Milbank picks his benchmarks: "The trial of Sept. 11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui is proving to be a tougher ticket than the baby panda at the National Zoo."

True. If only the Stick had the blood of thousands on his adorable fuzzy paws. Or perhaps there's still time for him to catch up in Milbank's popularity contest! Faster, panda, kill, kill!

Introducing Washington Week in Preview [Slate]

Putting the "Butt" in Butterstick

2006-02-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

The Animal Planet PandaCam has been hinky, leading to serious Stick withdrawal. A quick websearch led us to a rather meticulous accounting of Our Little Panda's Life and Times, with no angle left unexplored:

Cuter than Brad Pitt's. Thanks, Hankins-Lawrence Images, and keep of the good work!

Tai Shan [Hankins-Lawrence Images]

Bear on Bear Violence

2006-02-01T09:02:00.000-08:00

In today's Washington Times, a former press secretary for Bob Dole makes a plea on behalf of the National Zoo's "other" bear cub, the sloth bear, who is so unappreciated it's not even clear he has a name. Douglas MacKinnon makes a kind of red/blue case for supporting the sloth, labeling the Stick camp "certain good-looking, energetic, right-side-of-the-tracks, trust-fund, bear snobs." Can't really argue with the "good-looking" part, but trust-fund bear snobs? Has he not seen the Stick's ghetto toys? His dirty belly? As for "energetic," well, I suppose it's all relative. And before we shed a tear for the Unknown Sloth Cub, let's remember who's going to be shipped to China and eaten in two years. Be thankful for the lack of a media glare, little Slothy.

What's with the rivalry, anyway? Can't one adore the Stick but respect the Sloth? They should join forces, all the better to throw of the chains of their Zoo oppressors and sleep in peace.

A bear in need of love [WT]

Who Are We to Argue?

2006-01-31T15:07:00.000-08:00

Obey Butterstick

You have been warned.

What a Dirty, Dirty Panda

2006-01-31T09:27:00.000-08:00

We do envy the lowly zookeep who mans the keyboard of the official Butterstick blog. Charged with updating the public on the daily doings of the world's cutest living creature, this staffer plumbs the depths the Stick's cub experience and translates it into poetry. Vaguely pornographic, panda-centered poetry. Take this entry, "December 30: Breaking the Habit":

When it was time to go to sleep, he returned to the same limb, rubbed his rear end against it for a good scratch, and then fell fast asleep. Tai draped himself over the branch just like his dad... We sometimes see Tian engage in a good rear-end rubbing before going to sleep. It is hard to believe branches can be so comfortable. However, we can all identify with the relief of a good scratch.

Uhm, ew? With previous entries delighting is panda money shots ("Having discovered the trickle of water that runs off of the rocks into the empty pool, Tai let the water trickle over his head and licked the droplets off his face."), it is difficult to read the titles of the posts without a certain sense that the FoNZ are test-driving titles for that "Bad Panda" movie:

January 24: A New Bed
January 23: Visiting the Grotto
January 17: Inch by Inch, Tai Keeps Growing
January 3: Tai's First Biscuit
December 19: Wild Child Panda

And, for the fetishists:

January 5: Smelled but not Seen

Only Pandas Can Go to China

2006-01-30T09:17:00.000-08:00

We interrupt the Stickcentric nature of this blog to bring your attention to how the United States government is addressing the "panda gap" with China. They are embracing it... literally. Here's deputy secretary of state Robert Zoellick hugging the enemy:

What's going on here? If this is the "normalizing" of U.S.-China relationships, then can we count on the State Dept. to remind China that they have their own goddamn pandas and don't need ours?

Asked how holding the panda felt, Zoellick told reporters, "soft." Yeah, well just remember, Robby, you can pet softly, but hold onto the big Stick.

U.S. Envoy Engages In Panda Diplomacy [WP]

And, Scene.

2005-12-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

Nothing will ever be the same after [yesterday], the day the Stick went in The Bowl.

A fellow Shticker has a photo and fawning for those who missed it.

Sole of the Stick

2005-12-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

Who among us will not tune in to tonight's Animal Planet special?

The Shtick Outpost is in frenzied preparation for the big event!

There will be a dress code and accoutrements.

FREE BUTTERSTICK!

2005-12-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

While rumors fly that the Stick's "deportation" to China is just another word for "take-out," Stickheads everywhere are concerned about a more immediate issue: WHY ARE THERE BARS? We believe that the Stick is wondering about this too, and that he may even do something about it... look at him there. He's got a Shawshank redemption up his furry little sleeve. You can stay at our place, Stick! We're just up the street!

A Star is Born - Literally

2005-12-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

On Saturday night, Animal Planet airs "A Panda Is Born" which documents Stick's emergence from the butter cauldron. The documentary will follow all the hot action leading up to the "ultimate delight" of watching Stick's birth on camera. Only recommended for the hard core Stick addicts.

Panda Cam Addiction?

2005-12-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

That's the question raised by the same Christian Science Monitor article linked to below. I jumped the 12-step recovery plan and arrived at acceptance. But that means I can skip Pandas Anonymous and just watch the Stick all day, right?

For some in Washington, watching panda cam can be addictive (but, editors note, not this reporter, whose Mac thankfully couldn't tune in); women, in particular, can't get enough of Mei cuddling her baby and demonstrating her natural mothering skills. Some have reportedly called the zoo in a moment of worry that Mei was about to crush her baby.

The femaleness of the whole panda enterprise has not gone unnoticed. Guys who claim they "don't get" the cute panda thing just don't want to express themselves openly, says zoo spokesman John Gibbons. "There may be a cool male factor going on here," he says.

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

2005-12-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

Here at the Shtick Outpost, we're going to weather this massive snowstorm by doing a little baking.

Butter Bark

2005-12-04T15:12:00.000-08:00

The Christian Science Monitor gets its Shtick on. Highlights:

...[Butterstick] also discovered the little stream of water that runs down the rocks, letting it trickle over his head.

...So far, he doesn't seem to know who all those people are - nearly all women - poking and measuring and fussing around him regularly.

...The keepers insist on calling him Tai Shan - no nicknames, like Butterstick- so he will learn his name.**

...If someone does something he doesn't like, he barks.

...the big eyes, big round head, little ears that stick up, their general pudginess. Adult pandas don't grow out of these features, and thus they maintain their appeal.

** He is not fooled.

Morning Glory

2005-12-03T09:22:00.000-08:00

Feast your eyes on the Stick in all his sleeping glory -- nestled in his prison cell grass, furry belly rising and falling and as dirty as ever, paws twitching, contented by blissful bamboo dreams.

Forget that Lunesta butterfly.

Just watching him works for me.

The Stick Sells Out

2005-12-02T15:19:00.000-08:00

The Stick is in such high demand he's affecting sales of nearly all panda related items. After lingering indecision I finally went after this t-shirt today only to find its stock soldout. Who can say no to these shirts? Every branch of the Stick is adorable even when crushing an army of helicopters King Kong style.

Playtime for Butterstick

2005-12-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

They finally livened up the Panda House (or, as we like to call it, "Abu Ghraib") with some toys for the Stick. I mean "toy." The other item was a box. Reminds me of how my mom used to give me bandaids to play with. But the Stick is a creative cub, he knows how turn anything into a toy. Or at least into a snack:
The dog toy got him going, though -- he's a very frisky little bear. If dirty.

Dirty, Dirty Bear

2005-12-02T08:06:00.000-08:00

The pandacam is back and so we have resumed a near 24-hour watch on the Stick. We notice he's lately taken to tumbling -- summersaults, barrel rolls -- and he has a profound affection for wriggling on his back, exposing his belly to the sun and our adoring gaze.

But that belly is filthy. He is a very dirty bear. We understand that Mei Xiang is a busy single mom, with barely enough time to bring home the bamboo, much less give the baby a bath, but still: This is not good for his self-image, people. No wonder he's turned to pornography:

Having discovered the trickle of water that runs off of the rocks into the empty pool, Tai let the water trickle over his head and licked the droplets off his face.

Butterstick bukkake. Disgusting.

Does anyone know where we can get a tape?

REVEALED: The Stick's Early Writings

2005-12-02T05:52:00.000-08:00

Scalito who?

Today, Butterstick's early writings, haiku, and memos are coming to light.

I. Some, ponderous:

I stare at my paws
No one explained what they are for
I have six fingers.

II. Some, political:

[Redcated] is a mean nasty warmonger.

Maybe Joe should just give his Joementum to the GOP once and for all.

When I grow up, I'll never lie about public school the way Freddy did.

III. And some, just pitiful:

WHY R THERE PRISON BARS?

Stick's Next Move

2005-12-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

If torture is illegal then why is the panda cam still down? It's hard to believe the National Zoo couldn't get that thing up and running after a full day sans Stick. Can't they just put a couple of zoo interns into the pen with some handheld cameras? Of course, Chinese culture is ancient and mysterious. Perhaps the "technical difficulties" are merely cover for the Stick's next move. A redesigned playpen? An all Stick cable network? Maybe he's just sick of all the flash photography.

The Price of Stick

2005-11-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

With the cam down, you may be getting desperate enough for some Butterstick that you'd consider shedding your dignity, cash and/or clothes for a chance to see Fuzzy Face. Well: There's a set of Stick tix available on eBay -- bidding is currently at $61.50, with about a week left to go. Over at Craigslist, someone's selling 3-4 spots in their group. We assume they want money.

While The Cam Is Down...

2005-11-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

The Panda Cam is down!!

So this frees up some time for us to plan the Stick's Christmas.

Meanwhile, a soundtrack is in order.

Speak Softly But Carry a Big Stick

2005-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Even the toughest soldiers on the planet melt away watching the Stick at work. Tucked away in a L.A. Times articles on the Stick's celebrity:

Even U.S. soldiers in Iraq are enjoying the cub's everyday activities. Jo Gayle Howard, a reproductive scientist at the National Zoo, said the zoo had gotten a number of e-mails from the war zone.

"The soldiers over there say that it just makes their day when they get to watch the video of Tai Shan," Howard said. "It's a great ambassador for our work at the zoo and conservation in general."

Will they feel the same when he goes back home to China? This pic is already floating around Google images.

Black and White Unite

2005-11-30T08:39:00.000-08:00

We all want to be like the Stick. But I happen to have a head start.

Introducing Buttershtick

2005-11-30T08:27:00.000-08:00

Name: Tai Shan
Real name: Butterstick
Age: Four months
Weight: 21 pounds
Number of blogs devoted to him, before 11/29/05: None
Number now: One.

He is Butterstick and he deserves the fawning incoherent devotion only a blog can give. Welcome to the Shtick.